I haven’t posted here in a long time.

It’s not that I haven’t been doing anything, but I’m still struggling with perfectionism. I’ve also been spending less time on sculpting recently. I find I’m very conflicted. I often feel like nothing I do is going to be good enough. At other times, I feel like I can do whatever I set my mind and efforts to. What is good enough, I have to ask myself? When it looks like something you’d see on Artstation? I don’t even really like Artstation. There’s no doubt the people you see there are very skilled. But they’re not my kind of things. The 3d art shown there is mostly, from what I’ve seen, trying to be very realistic, and some of them are shockingly detailed, but….They don’t say anything. They just look good.

The art I’ve always admired, mostly, has been a lot more expressive. Impressionist art, rougher, looser styles, things that are more simplistic in some ways and prioritising feeling over pure accuracy to life. Dustin Nguyen and Hwei Lim’s art are examples of that to me; they’re not realistic at all, and can be rough, but they convey the feeling much better.

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I can’t imagine their works would be better if they were replaced with more realistic styles. Plus, realism is generic. How do you put your own fingerprint on something that’s just copying reality? If you start to change things while being realistic, you’ll likely fall into the uncanny valley, I think, and have, in some ways, far less options for expression.

I try to focus on things like these. Getting bogged down thinking that my art isn’t any good because it’s not realistic enough or something…It’s too easy. It’s a trap. I want to show my ideas and thoughts. I don’t have to be on the level of some absurdly skilled Artstation professional to do that. I don’t.

I’ve also been listening recently to a song by Garbage called Beloved Freak. For some reason, it really speaks to me. It seems to be about not fitting in with other people, but that you’re not wrong for that, and have value.

Sometimes we get so tired and weak

We lose the sky beneath our feet

You’re not alone

Recently, my mental health has gone back to being terrible. That’s part of why I haven’t sculpted recently. I hurt myself. I feel like everything is pointless. They wouldn’t be any good anyway, so why bother? That’s what I think at those times. Just to breathe can be an effort. I don’t fit in. I never will. And, as a trans woman, I’m constantly slapped in the face with that. A death by a thousand cuts. So many little wounds bleeding me out. It may sound pretentious, but it is how I honestly feel sometimes; that I’m just being killed very slowly.

My favourite part is at the end of the song.

“So here you stand, beloved freak
The world is at your feet
Here you stand, beloved freak
The world is at your feet

This little light of mine
I’m going to let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m going to let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m going to let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

And so you stand, beloved freak
The world is lying at your feet
There you stand, beloved freak
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.”

It makes me think. My art isn’t “normal”. It’s 3d that doesn’t want to do what 3d is considered to be “for”. Not to be as realistic as possible, or even look like 3d, or sell something, or anything like that. It’s not perfect, or highly detailed, and I don’t consider myself a good artist. I don’t seem to fit in well in reality, either.

But, I still have worth, no matter what my brain says when I’m going through bad times. I don’t want to die. I have my own light. Even if it’s dim and flickering. I can make what I want to make. It’s not pointless. It’s not bad. I can do what I want to do.

That’s what I believe on a good day, anyway.